Top Ten High School Survival Tips:
1. Tie your gum up in a tree to protect it from student-bears.
2. Always have a source of fresh Snapple.
3. Designate a look-out for when the teacher leaves the room.
4. Tumblr is not your friend.
5. Have a food source in case your classroom caves in. (Cannibalism is acceptable.)
6. Establish a pee-corner when doors are barricaded.
7. Master the mating call.
8. Assert your territory by drawing on desks.
9. Avoid the thick jungle of the freshman hallway.
10. Warning: Teachers bite when provoked.
Top Ten Worst Pick-Up Lines:
1. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
2. It’s a good thing that I have my library card. Because I am totally checking you out.
3. Do you have a map? Because I seem to have gotten lost in your eyes.
4. We could run away on my wheelies.
5. Did you just fart? Because you blew me away.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea — I just can’t hold it in.
7. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive a Zombie Apocalypse with.
8. Hi, I’m Mr. Right — I heard you were looking for me.
9. Are you from Jamaica? Because Jamaican me crazy.
10. If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I would have five cents. You know, because you’re worth five cents.
Top Ten Hashtags That Will Get You Judged:
Top Ten Best People in the World:
1. That lunch lady who knows your name
2. That kid who cracks jokes during awkward silences
3. The teacher who actually teaches
4. The car that lets you turn left
5. Short people who make you feel tall
6. The teacher with everything online
7. Your best friend
8. Anyone but freshmen
9. The people who stop to let you cross the street (unless you’re on Cross Country)
10. Principal Scott Bacon
Top Ten Worst People in the World:
1. The one who points it out when the class gets quiet
2. The kid who thinks he’s funny
3. The kid that shakes his leg during the test
4. The teacher who throws worksheets at you
5. Know-it-all perfectionists
7. Your popular locker neighbor
8. That person who asks, “Aren’t you going to check the homework?”
9. The ones who think it’s cool not to try on anything
10. Your mom
Top Ten Excuses Not To Do Your Homework:
1. There is never an excuse not to do homework.
3. Do your homework.
4. We’re not helping you out here.
5. Stop procrastinating.
6. Go away.
7. We’re not giving you an excuse.
9. Here it goes:
10. You were too busy reading this fabulous newspaper to do homework. Ha.
Top Ten Answers Your Parents Give:
6. Hmm… No.
8. LOL no.
10. Just kidding. No.
Top Ten Lies You Have Been Told:
1. “You won’t carry a calculator in your pocket.”
— Elementary school math
2. “You won’t use print ever again.”
— Elementary school cursive
3. “You’ll find yourself in high school.”
— Every adult ever
4. “When a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you.”
— Middle school dating
5. “The counselors will help you work out your problems.”
— Sixth grade counselors
6. “These people will be your best friends.”
— Fifth grade graduation
7. “We will get a party every other week.”
— Elementary school Halloween parties
8. “Middle school determines your success in high school.”
— Middle school liars
9. “You need to be able to run a mile.”
— Middle school gym
Top Ten Things Not To Do with Everyone Watching:
1. Drag-race while intoxicated.
2. Get a DUI after said drag-racing.
3. Cause $20,000 of property damage with eggs.
4. Smile like an idiot in your mugshot.
5. Claim Anne Frank would be a “Belieber.”
6. Pee in a mop bucket.
7. Curse out Bill Clinton on video.
8. Say “never.”
9. Leave Canada for a singing career.
10. Name your child Justin Bieber.
Top Ten Most Hated Words Out of a Teacher’s Mouth:
1. “Happy Monday!”
2. “Go to tardy tracker.”
3. “That’s due tomorrow.”
4. “That’s double-sided.”
5. “I really don’t have an answer to your relevant, subject-related question.”
6. “Your grades are updated.” (When they’re not.)
7. “My boyfriend/girlfriend/children/cat/pet rock…”
8. “If you talk, blink or breathe, I assume you’re cheating.”
9. “You only have three problems.” (1a, 1b, 1c, 1d, 1e, 1f, 1g, 1h, 1i, 1j, 1k, 1l, 1m, 1n, 1o, 1p, 1q, 1r, 1s, 1t, 1u, 1v, 1w, 1x, 1y, 1z, 2a, 2b, 2c…)
10. “I don’t know. CAN you?”