Top Ten Worst Dates
1. He makes you pay for his McDonald’s happy meal — and you don’t get the toy.
2. He gets down on one knee and begs you to never call him again.
3. The date starts off with, “You look just like my dog!”
4. She live tweets the date.
5. The car breaks down, and you are forced to push it to the nearest garage.
6. She only speaks in quotes from “50 Shades of Grey.”
7. He brings his ailing grandmother along for the ride.
8. She crawls out the bathroom window before the main course.
9. You ride in the backseat of his mom’s 2003 Honda Odyssey, and his half-eaten lollipop gets stuck to your pants.
10. The blind date turns out to be an escort.
Top Ten Worst Kisses
1. It feels like a dog is licking your face.
2. You catch your lip on her braces.
3. It is like a mother bird feeding her baby.
4. “I am going to kiss you now.”
5. It finishes, and it turns out to be an episode of “Punk’d.”
6. You go in for the kiss, and he goes in for the handshake.
7. You discover gum you had not been previously chewing in your mouth.
8. You maintain eye contact throughout the entire thing.
9. “Someone Like You” is playing in the background
10. There is heavy mouth breathing into each other’s mouth.
Top Ten Best Places for a Date (BV edition)
1. The Fixed Forum — perfect for people-watching, though the privacy leaves some to be desired.
2. PAC — padded seats with dim lights and the occasional free choir show. Beware: Scott Bacon sometimes practices his “Fired up” speeches on stage.
3. Catwalk — if you’re into haunted, murdery places, the catwalk is the place for you. Very private, but the creaking wood and tortured spirits might kill the mood.
4. Weird mobile bench — Lovely outdoor sitting area with full vantage points of the Blue Valley trailer park (mobiles). Perfect if you want to make the first move.
5. Avenue of the Arts — Who needs the Smithsonian when you can have your own private gallery? Avoid rush hour from 7:15-7:45 a.m. and 2:50-3:30 p.m.
6. The cross country course — It’s just like a walk in the park with ditches, uneven terrain, hills and putrid odors. Watch out for the stray runners.
7. Fitness center — For fit couples, long treadmill walks while watching a subtitled “SportsCenter” provides a romantic ambiance reminiscent of gym class.
8. Scott Bacon’s office — chances are if you are both in Scotty B’s office, you have a lot in common — or at least a similar discipline record. Conversation topics will be limited to school spirit and how to properly hoist a trophy.
9. Teacher’s lounge — Fancier than the lunchroom, the teacher’s lounge is a great place to enjoy a nice microwavable meal with your date. Food is already provided.
10. Any science room — Let’s get physical. Let’s study your anatomy. No need to elaborate — the chemistry is already there.