Horoscopes

No Offense...

Julie Freijat, co-editor in chief

 

Aries (March 21-Apr. 19)  The kind of person who yells at retail employees and makes snarky comments in class. Glares at anyone who attempts to have a conversation with them and has little to no filter.

 Taurus (Apr. 20- May 20) The stubborn kid who walks aggressively down the halls with a scowl on their face. They never use their lockers and instead shove everything into a tiny backpack. Funny people to be around if you enjoy satire, otherwise they will probably offend you just to laugh at your anger. Approach with caution.

 Gemini (May 21-June 20)  The incredibly arrogant, two-faced kid in your group project who never does their portion of work despite how nerdy they actually seem. They talk fast, will debate absolutely anything and use big words to intimidate people.

 Cancer (June 21-July 22)  The overly-sensitive nervous wreck who carries an entire first-aid kit, three different kinds of protein bars and two bottles of water in their backpack at all times. You may refer to them as the mother-goose of your group.

 Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)  An obnoxiously loud narcissist who won’t let you borrow their phone because their camera roll is full of random selfies. They are the person who spends 10 minutes in front of the bathroom mirror playing with their hair or fixing their makeup.

 Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)  The whiny, annoyingly smart and arrogant kid who sits in the front of class and offers you hand sanitizer every time you sneeze. They fear disorder so much they will probably sue you if you crumple a corner of their paper by accident.

 Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)  These are the kids who stop dead in the middle of the hallway and stand to talk to their friends. Major socialites. They tend to exaggerate things to the point where they stress everyone else out and are extremely indecisive. Beware — it might take them 30 minutes to pick out their socks for the day.

 Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) The quiet and mysterious kid in all black who sits in the back of class and to whom everyone is oddly attracted. They’re probably a part time serial killer, but we’re all too afraid to ask.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)  The irresponsible and annoyingly optimistic liberal hippie whose Tumblr is full of philosophical quotes and artsy pictures. They could find the underlying symbolism in a moldy piece of bread if they needed to. Art teachers love these kids.

 Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The greedy and shy control freak in tons of AP classes. No social life, but teachers love them and we’re all pretty sure they will be a CEO at some point.

 Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The compulsive unemotional who will probably major in humanities and constantly rants about privileged Republicans. Can be spotted in the halls wearing ironic T-shirts, beanies and carrying books concerning democratic socialism.

 Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) 

The creepy and over-emotional nutcase who spends 90 percent of school daydreaming or writing cheesy poetry. Nice people when it comes to deep conversations but total social outcasts.