A Modest Proposal by Pierre Dukan

Sara Naatz, Co-Editor

Pierre Dukan is pretty much a genius.
In his book, An Open Letter to the Future President, released Jan. 5, he made a recommendation to the future president of France: give high school students grades based on body weight.
As France prepares for its next election, Dukan will be sending copies of his book to all the candidates in hopes of integrating his ideas into the French government.
According to his plan, students would be judged based on a combination of weight and height that determines Body Mass Index. So, sorry short, stout kids. You may have studied all night for the chemistry exam, but your efforts were futile. Maybe you should have put down the book and jumped on the treadmill instead.
After all, studying for a test and losing 20 pounds pretty much take the same amount of time, right? Stop moping about how weight loss isn’t immediate. You’re only kidding yourself. There are plenty of quick ways to shed pounds.
Take up smoking. It suppresses the appetite.
Go on an all-juice diet. It’s healthy to never eat solids.
Those sketchy weight loss pills you saw at 2 a.m. in an infomercial? Give them a go.
It really doesn’t matter how you meet our standards for weight loss. Lose pounds and you can get good grades just like the naturally skinny kids.
But what about those kids who have overweight parents, overweight grandparents and overweight great-grandparents?
Psssh. Genetics. Three generations of your family may not have been able to overcome their weight issues, but that doesn’t mean a few push-ups and squats won’t make your problem magically vanish.
And obviously, overweight kids don’t really have any other motivation to get thin.
Those billboards, magazine ads, commercials and Victoria’s Secret catalogues make everyone feel good about themselves, and the only way the government can really ensure people stay thin is to grade them on it.
That way, fat kids won’t have any self-esteem in their personal lives or their academics. Those thin, popular kids need more of a boost, and the only way to do that is to make them superior in school, too.
Let’s say there’s a big project due in AP Psychology. The thin student spent approximately 20 minutes on his, and used only ripped paper, pencil and some expired Elmer’s glue.
The obese student spent his whole weekend on the project and has created a dazzling poster depicting each part of the brain, color-coded accordingly.
But when it really comes down to it, it’s not the final product that matters. The thin student deserves an A, and the obese student would be lucky to get a D.
Because let’s face it, that’s how the real world works. High schools need to prepare students for the work force, and jobs require all employees to be skinny.
If you’re fat, you will probably just end up living out of a shopping cart.