Grand Ol’ Problems

Number of Republican candidates overwhelming, needs Bachelor-like competition

Sheila Gregory, Co-Editor


That is the glorious number of potential future presidential nominees from the Grand Old Party.

The options are nearly unlimited and the candidates as diverse as the cast of “National Treasure.”

Each and every person should be grateful that so many monotonous men — and Carly Fiorina — have taken such an interest in returning America to its former glory.

We aren’t talking Reaganomics here — this glory is the one that came after winning the Revolutionary War.

The idyllic time period when wealthy white men ruled supreme, and it was necessary to have at least one gun per household.

Ah, but who to choose?

Who could possibly enforce the strict gender roles? Who would ensure the tea-embargo against the Brits was upheld? Or brought back for that matter.

The obvious contender — Businessman (disgraced Pantene model) Donald Trump — could deliver on his promises to keep women where they belong. This early in the campaign he has already made it known how clearly he understands how female reproductive organs control each and every action we make.

Insider sources reveal he would legally obligate women to track menstrual cycles as to avoid awkward encounters with male superiors, such as the one he had with False News anchor, Megyn Kelly.

Not all of my energy should be focused on Trump. There are 37 other interchangeable candidates to go through.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush — basking in the success one of the greatest political dynasties — makes an obvious frontrunner after his brother’s flawless presidency.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie could eat ISIS.

Constantly moist Senator Ted Cruz vows to strip any and all people receiving government sponsored health care of their right to get sick and go to the doctor.

So many candidates, so little time.

Even “The Bachelor” contestants have eight weeks to prove their worth to the dream guy.

The American public is the dream guy in this 2016 Republican edition. However, the steamy dates will turn into an even sexier event — 16 of the front-runners on stage talking about anchor babies.

I can picture it now: a stolen glance from Trump, lip-licking from Marco Rubio, a sly wink from Cruz.

All of this culminating in the final two.

Who will get the rose? Who will the public propose to based on their stances and whoever receives the most money from the Koch brothers.

In this circus of a race, only one thing remains certain.

It will be one heck of a laugh.

So get some popcorn, sit back and watch the buffoonery unfold.