I put off writing this column for a long time (for the most part, though, I just forgot it was due). But really, it’s not something that comes easy to me, writing about myself.

Sure, I can write as much as I want about other people, but when it comes to myself, I am not confident in those skills. I never know what to focus on, I never want to seem fake, but I also never want to include anything that might make me seem “weird.”

All in all, I’m scared of writing about myself because I’m scared of judgment. It’s been this way in my social life since the end of middle school. 

As a transfer kid, I came into a brand new high school knowing absolutely no one except my senior sister. After the hardships we all faced in middle school, I had zero to no confidence in my social skills and in myself as a person.

I kept thinking to myself how awkward I was and that if I put myself out there, people wouldn’t like me. Even Huss could back me up when I say I was silent, considering I never talked when I joined the newspaper freshman year.

Being surrounded by people you don’t know is scary as it is, but when you add the lack of confidence and self-esteem, it becomes something even more terrifying.

So, even though I knew I would love newspaper, I closed myself off from any new friendships I could make and refused to put myself out there.

As sophomore year came around, and Covid was in full blast, I actually felt so much more comfortable with myself. I could hide behind a screen, a way for me to avoid the uncomfortable silence that came with my in-person social situations.

As I look back on it, I see Covid as a vital learning experience and a period of self-help. While it did not help whatsoever with making friends, perhaps it was a good thing that I was isolated — I got my confidence back up to the level necessary for junior year.

Junior year, however, presented a different challenge for me: Lack of motivation. To this day, I still struggle big time with this, seeing as I’m submitting this column five days late.

I started to only try my best in classes that I enjoyed the content of and gave up on things that bored me. 

Since I was a child, this was a problem of mine with new activities. When I would get too frustrated or could not do something perfectly on the first try, I would immediately break down.

Last year, this mindset switched to academics. I would notice that I forgot to turn something in, but rather than completing it as soon as possible, I would think to myself, “It’s already late ­— just do it later.”

Eventually, this way of thinking caused my grades to start dropping, something that is still happening to me right now. While I was able to get them back up, I had to complete all of my missing assignments in the span of a few weeks, rather than a few months. One would think that I would have learned from the consequences of this habit, but I am still trying to overcome it.

What so many need to remember is it is OK to not be perfect on the first try. It is OK to have flaws. It is OK to feel like you are lonely, and it is OK to feel uncomfortable.

All of these feelings are valid, but something we also need to remember is that these feelings do not define who we are. Every single person is so much more than their negativities.

Now, as senior year comes to an end, I can proudly say that I have finally gained my sense of social confidence. While I am still working on my procrastination, at least I’ve crossed one milestone.

The key to gaining back my confidence was accepting that no matter what, there will always be someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are. All you have to do is figure out who will and, most importantly, stay true to yourself.